Today I read about a freak story. In Canada two small boys sleeping over at a friend's house were strangled to death by a giant snake. The flat was above a pet shop and evidently the snake had escaped. Before I would have been sad but probably mused on the strangeness of it. Before procreating that is. Now these sorts of stories shock me to the core , like a bolt of lightening, now that I am a mother. I cannot stop horrible "what ifs" and images from popping into my mind. I can't help feeling wrenching sympathy for those parents.
I thought about how when we choose to love, we open all these doors to possible disaster. We are so much more vulnerable than when we don't take the leap and open our hearts. I thought about how much safer I would feel if I was just alone (preferably in a dark, safe hole somewhere, lol) but of course I cannot imagine my life without my loved ones around me. Even if it is cut short, I told myself, it would be better to have known that love and lost it than to have never known what it was like to love someone so intensely. I'm thinking not just of my child of course but of my whole family: sisters, parents, husband, cousins, etc...
But I think - it would take me a long, long time, to feel that way. To be able to reflect with gratitude on "the good times" first. I am a petty person. I would miss it for so long, so much, it would take me a long time to see anything but the lack of it. The pain and fear are enormous.
This post is dedicated to that person in my family who lost someone recently. I am sorry, I had this thought and nearly wrote you a note directly. But I was afraid it was the wrong thing to say at the wrong time. Thinking a lot about them in general.